


Only I Would Know

by sidekikcs



Category: Actor RPF, Captain America (Movies), Marvel (Movies)
Genre: Evanstan - Freeform, M/M, there's some porn in here too because, why the fuck not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-19
Updated: 2014-06-19
Packaged: 2018-02-05 09:24:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1813405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sidekikcs/pseuds/sidekikcs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chris brings up the idea of having kids. </p><p>Sebastian's intimidated by the idea. Just a little.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only I Would Know

**Author's Note:**

> OHHHHHH HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
> 
> this is actually the first time i've published anything Evanstan on here, so the fandoms I listed are just... 
> 
> y'all i don't even know
> 
> but i thoroughly enjoyed writing this
> 
> And I write a lot more stuff like this! On my tumblr! Which is kewl!

 

Chris first brings up the idea of children one morning, when Sebastian is standing at the island in the kitchen, with the white cabinets and the black counter top that's so clean, because Chris  _hates_ when things aren't clean, that he can see his reflection, watch his face drop in surprise when Chris mentions having a kid.

Sebastian looks up, stares at him for a moment, and says, "I... I don't know."

Chris smiles, he's getting more facial hair and he really needs to keep up on the shaving, if not to look cleaner, than to prevent any breakage of a razor when he has to shave for Cap. 

"I'm just putting it out there. I feel like this is the appropriate time to mention it."

"Only a year after we started dating? We've lived together for less than three months. And you're already talking about children?" Sebastian asks, walking to the fridge to get vanilla creamer for his coffee.

"Yeah. Is that not okay?" Chris asks, locking his phone and putting it face down on the table.

Sebastian turns around and uncaps the creamer, pouring some into his coffee. He stirs it with a spoon and says, "Well, I don't know how  _you_ were brought up- well, I do, a little bit, but still- but how  _I_ was brought up, you get married before the children come."

"So then we can get married," Chris says, raising his brows, a twang in his voice that suggests it's not even that big of a deal.

Sebastian narrows his eyes. "Where the hell is this coming from?"

Chris smiles and picks his phone up, unlocks it, and walks over to the counter, sliding it across to Sebastian. It's a picture of an ultrasound. 

"My sister's pregnant."

Sebastian looks up at him. "Okay. What does that mean to me?"

"She's having a baby!"

"Do you want to steal it?" Sebastian asks, rolling his eyebrows and smirking.

Chris holds back a smile. "I'm serious."

"I am too."

" _Seb_ ," Chris sighs, grabbing his phone and putting it in his pocket. "I'm talking about our future."

"Yeah, I don't talk about the future until after ten in the morning," Sebastian says, looking back at the clock on the oven. "Well, would ya look at that. It's only nine-thirty."

Chris gives him a stern look, smoothing out his shirt. "Fine. We'll talk about it after ten. Or maybe not even then."

He turns to walk out of the kitchen and Sebastian groans, putting his coffee down and sprinting over to Chris, grabbing his arm. 

"Why are you so upset?"

"Because!" Chris shakes his head. "This stuff is important to me, and you're treating it like a joke."

"I treat most things like a joke, Chris, it's not like this is news to you."

Chris gives him a look that shuts Sebastian up.

"I've got stuff to do, so," Chris says, yanking his arm out of Sebastian's grip, "y'know, I'll see you later."

Sebastian watches him walk to the garage door before he says loudly, "I love you."

Chris looks back at him. "I love you."

Chris always smiles when he tells Sebastian he loves him. But this time, he didn't.

Sebastian bites his lip, and walks back to the kitchen.

* * *

 

A week passes. Chris doesn't bring up children, or marriage, or the future, but whenever they're watching a show and they pass by a wedding show, or a sitcom where the couple is discussing having children, the elephant in the room starts trumpeting and the channel changes immediately to a mind-numbing reality show. They watch drinks be thrown and people get into fights in silence. 

The first few days are like that, anyway. Eventually, it passes. Chris takes Sebastian into bed and makes up the silent treatment to him by loving him just like he likes: legs tossed over his shoulders, pinning Sebastian's arms above his head and pounding into him and not stopping until Sebastian can't catch his breath because he's moaning and crying out so much- no, he doesn't even stop then. Doesn't stop even when there's bruising on Sebastian's hips from Chris gripping them so hard. Sebastian loves the make-up sex, mostly because it's always something that takes his breath away.

Chris is kissing his neck and his lips and his forehead and jaw, kissing all over his face as Sebastian lets out high, breathy moans every time Chris slams back into him.

Chris feels Sebastian tighten so hard around him, he knows he's coming, and when he does, Sebastian arches his back, throws his head back and lets his mouth hang open while his orgasm takes him over. Chris stops to watch, then comes, finally, when Sebastian lowers his head and looks up at him with... possibly thankfulness as well, but mostly love. 

Chris decides he wants to be little spoon, no particular reason, but he just wants to. Sebastian runs his fingers through his hair, back to its natural color, away from the dirty blond it was for so long. Sebastian's glad to have his short hair back, even as much as he loves Bucky's look. But the long hair makes him sweat more. And it gets greasy too easily. 

Chris is snoring lightly when Sebastian drifts off to sleep.

* * *

 

The next morning, Sebastian has trouble getting out of bed, because he's so fucking sore. Chris had him bent in half for almost an hour the other night, he walks with a limp to pull on sweatpants and one of Chris's t-shirts. 

He looks at himself in the mirror, brushes his hair to one side passively with Chris's brush. 

He... doesn't look like a dad. Chris,  _Chris_ looks like a dad. He acts like a dad. Sebastian doesn't look like a dad. He doesn't think he does, anyway.

"The hell does he think he's doin'," he says to himself. "Me. Dad.  _What_?"

He shakes it off and walks downstairs. (Well, limps downstairs, but that's beside the point.)

Chris has already made pancakes with chocolate chips, bacon, eggs, toast, there's orange juice and coffee, and whole nine yards. Sebastian slowly walks to the table, a nice table but rather small, with only two chairs at it. He tries to imagine a high chair pulled up next to it. He can see Chris sitting there, feeding a child. 

Can't see himself.

He slides onto the chair closer to the door that leads to the backyard (patio, technically, or maybe the poolside area, he doesn't know how to classify it). Chris turns around, and he looks like he's already gotten ready for the day, with his hair brushed and styled and he's dressed in a t-shirt and nice jeans (the tight, dark blue ones, which Sebastian appreciates). He smiles at him, looking like a ray of fucking sunshine, which doesn't brighten Sebastian's darker mood, but he still smiles because his boyfriend is beautiful and he's glad he has him, regardless of his doubts about fatherhood. 

Chris says nothing, but sets down a cup of coffee and a bottle of creamer in front of Sebastian, alongside a glass of orange juice. Sebastian looks up at him, wants to lean up to kiss him, but when he tries, he feels his bruises hit the table and he gasps, immediately sitting back down.

Chris winces. "Sore?"

Sebastian nods. "A little, considering you went to town last night."

"I didn't see any complains comin' outta you," Chris says with a smirk.

There's a dirty joke in there somewhere, but Sebastian's too tired to make it. It goes unsaid, but Chris knows it's there as well and laughs with Sebastian. 

They sit down and eat and laugh and talk and smile and it's so normal and domestic, but every so often, Chris glances over to the sides of the table, like he's imagining their kids there, and Sebastian feels his heart being weighed down.

* * *

That night, Chris is kissing him in their bed, peeling off their clothes, careful of how sore Sebastian is, and Sebastian's trying to get into it, but there's this anxious feeling of how fucking bad it's going to hurt when Chris is inside of him.

Chris kisses his neck when he pushes a finger into Sebastian's hole and Sebastian cries out, all pain, and Chris pulls his finger out immediately.

"Okay, okay, we don't have to do anything tonight," Chris says. 

"No, I want to, but just... nothing...  _there_."

Chris cracks a smile. "No butt stuff."

Sebastian laughs hard enough to make it hard for him to catch his breath. "No butt stuff," he says after a moment.

Chris lays on his stomach to the side of Sebastian, and Sebastian glances over him, and,  _God_ , how is he even real.

Sebastian reaches for his dick, strokes it twice just looking over Chris. Chris smiles and kisses his thigh. His hand lands on Sebastian's thigh softly. He kneads it, kisses it, bites it. He's thrusting against the mattress, and it's incredibly hot.

"Never tell you how much I love your thighs," Chris smirks. "If I wasn't such a good guy, I would lube up your thighs, make you clench 'em, fuck 'em."

"Yeah," Sebastian nods, and he actually thinks it's a great idea, and he wants to watch Chris do it, which is a weird fetish to have. "You totally can, if you want."

Chris arches his brows, giggling. "I do. I actually really do."

"Go for it."

So Chris does exactly that. He drizzles lube all over Sebastian's thighs, both of them, massages them, and then, when they're both ready, Sebastian pushes his thighs close together while Chris slides his dick between them and starts to thrust. 

It's odd, different, and amazing. Sebastian moves his thighs back and forth, bending and unbending his knees, and it drives Chris absolutely, amazingly insane. He reaches down and grips Sebastian's cock, strokes him off in time with Chris's thrusts. Chris comes all over Sebastian's thighs and Sebastian comes on Chris's hand. Chris gets a towel for them, cleans them off, then turns off the light and climbs into the bed with Sebastian curling up to his chest. 

* * *

 

When the children thing comes up again, Sebastian tries to avoid the conversation entirely.

"I don't want to talk about this. Not right now."

"If not now," Chris huffs, "then when?"

"When I'm ready."

"When will you be ready?"

"How should I know?!" Sebastian says, throwing his hands in the air. "If I knew, I'd tell you. I'm not talking about this."

"Seb, come  _on_ , this isn't anything new. You've known me for a few years, and you've known I want kids, I don't hide it, because I-" _  
_

"I get it!" Sebastian says, putting his hands on his hips. "I get it, you want kids, I'm well aware of that. But you do know that we can't have kids of our own, right?"

"Yes, we can, there's surrogates."

"Yeah, okay, but that takes forever. And it's expensive."

Chris scoffs. "Because money's such an issue, right? Try another excuse."

Sebastian rolls his eyes. "I'm not making fucking excuses."

"Sounds like you are," Chris says, folding his arms over his chest. 

They stand in silence, and they stare at each other. Sebastian feels judgment, guilt, anxiety, and it's not like Chris is judging him, or guilt-tripping him, but he goes to leave the room and Chris grabs him arm.

"Don't walk away," Chris says, not pleadingly like Sebastian would've thought, but angrily. "Stop walking away. Deal with this."

"Deal with what?" Sebastian says, laughing, and Chris looks like someone just slapped him in the face.

"I'll spell it out for you then, buddy," Sebastian says, getting close to Chris, "I don't want kids. Not right now. Not until I'm certain I can."

He backs off, but doesn't look away from Chris. "If you can't be patient, find someone else."

He doesn't want to say it, but he needs to. He's not going to be ready for a while, or, that's what he thinks, at least. He turns and walks out of the room, unsure of where to go. He figures he'd just go drive around for a bit, since that's what he always does if he and Chris fight, which doesn't happen as often as he thinks it should.

"Where are you going?" Chris calls.

"Don't know." 

"No, you're not leaving," Chris says, descending the stairs quickly to follow Sebastian. 

"Yes, I am," Sebastian says, grabbing the keys to his car.

"Seb, please," Chris says. "Please, don't leave. I'll wait."

Sebastian feels more guilt in his gut. "You don't have to. I don't want you to wait for... however long it will be. I don't know."

"Seb..." Chris's voice trails off. 

"I don't know, Chris," Sebastian sighs. "I... I've never been as gung-ho about having kids as you are. I, I mean, I never really thought about that stuff growing up, and then I got so busy... So, I just... don't know. I'll go for a drive. Think it over."

Chris looks sad, squeezes Sebastian's hand in a silent plea to stay, but nods regardless. 

Sebastian gets into his car and stares at the steering wheel, not once turning the engine over. 

* * *

Sebastian comes into the house two hours later. He didn't exactly think it over, he mostly sat in the car and came to the odd realization that he'd never felt before.

He walks into their room expecting Chris to be asleep. Instead, the lamp beside him is on and he's watching late night television. He doesn't notice Sebastian standing in the doorway.

"Chris?"

Chris jumps a little, but looks over at him and smiles. "Hi."

"Hey," Sebastian smiles. Chris turns the television off and rolls the sheets down on the side of the bed closest to Sebastian. "C'mon."

Sebastian takes off his shirt, leaving him in a white wife-beater, and pulls down his jeans and crawls up next to Chris.

"How was your drive?" Chris asks after turning off the lamp.

"I didn't leave. Just sat in my car. Fogged up the windows."

Chris smiles, brushing his hair through Sebastian's hair.

They're quiet for a few minutes, Sebastian thinks he might fall asleep, but then Chris speaks up.

"Y'know, Seb, I kind of... came to this realization. I-I don't think I want kids if I'm not gonna be raising them with you."

It hits Sebastian like bricks, because growing up he'd never once thought he was handsome enough or friendly or outgoing enough to have anyone show interest in him, and now he's in the arms of a man who is basically willing to give up the one thing he'd always wanted just to have a future with him in it.

Sebastian swallows the lump in his throat and shakes his head. 

He grabs Chris's hand and squeezes it. "No. We're gonna have kids."

"Seb-"

"I want them," Sebastian says. "I want to help you raise them. I want to be called 'dada', I want to give our baby a bath, want to watch them go on their first day of Kindergarten, watch them graduate high school after four years of them being a terrible asshole teenager that we'll love regardless. We'll adopt, we'll get surrogates. We'll have enough kids to have one for every letter of the alphabet."

Chris laughs.

"I want the first one to be a boy, though, and I don't know why but I guess it's the image of you playing catch with him, me teaching him soccer, him dressing up as Cap for his first Halloween, and Winter Soldier the next."

Another laugh.

"So. We'll have kids. I don't know when, but we'll have 'em. Plenty of 'em."

He squeezes Chris's hand. "Because I don't want 'em if they're not with you either."

Chris kisses his head. "Thank you."

"It's just as much for me as it is for you."

"Okay."

"It is."

"I know."

Chris leans down and presses a kiss to Sebastian's lips. "'Til the end of the line, okay?"

Sebastian's quiet, and then he laughs.

"Really, Evans?"

**Author's Note:**

> did u creyes
> 
> YE I KNOW THAT IT WAS CHEESY OF CHRIS TO SAY TIL THE END OF THE LINE BUT HAVE YOU EVER SEEN CHRIS EVANS
> 
> HE'S A CHEESY GOOBER FUCK


End file.
